Homework can bring us to our knees — “Just, will you JUST, finish it ALREADY!?” It’s hard to like ourselves as we scream, judge, blame and compare when we’ve flipped our lid. And, once we’re calm, it’s difficult to let go of the guilt. It’s crazy making stuff that we want to be SO DONE with.
Over the years, a number of parents have been concerned about their child’s hesitance to assert themselves. I wrote the tale below in 2014 with that (and a very special girl) in mind. I like to imagine living in a kingdom where our leader models assertive Confrontive I-Messages! Here’s how one such person came to be so wise.
Without a secure bond with a trusted, stable adult, kids are more prone to social media addiction. The nature of Internet communication leads to a digital intimacy that falls short of authentic, vulnerable relationships so they keep grasping for more approval and acceptance.
It's so easy to feel aggressive when we impute bad intentions to our kids -- e.g. He's deliberately NOT writing the invites to get a rise out of me. If we pause to contemplate the spins we put on kids' behaviors, we just might choose not to believe them.
He grinned down. I grinned up. Then, shaking my head in wonder, I went to my journal to record this remarkable conversation.
"Remarkable" because the old Catherine would not have known what to do. I probably would have peppered him with questions, "What's wrong? Well, have you tried approaching him again? Did you ask him why you you got that score? Have you gone over the rubric - maybe you missed something?"
I've written before about how Claudia's whining gets to me. Clearly, I still have some work to do unearthing the button that Claudia may have pressed but did not install!
That button says it’s dangerous when someone is upset and perilous to assert my needs.
That button tries to convince me that it makes more sense to wait for others to figure out what’s bothering me and change their behavior accordingly.
That button's been around a long time.
When the sailing is smooth, there are skills we can actively reach for to keep us in those calm waters longer! Here are the five that I cover in class.
I went back in time recently to relive parenting a toddler. While my brother and sis-in-law were in Japan, I got to take care of my niece Emma.
Since Emma lives in the US, I see her only once a year. This was her first visit to my home in Hong Kong. The P.E.T. skills helped me to establish trust and mutuality and deal with those big toddler emotions.
Last year, a friend described senior year (Year 13 in HK) as "excruciating," joking that she'd be relieved when her son, after dragging his feet for months on his college applications, finally took off. I just nodded nervously: would that be me?
Not so! I am deeply grateful I am enjoying Harrison's last year.
And then there's the Q & A session Jake held recently for my class participants . . .
You may be wondering though: Is it worth it?
You bet.
Based on my experience with three kids now 17, 15 and 12, here is how learning Dr. Thomas Gordon's paradigm and skills can pay off in spades: mindfulness; support for the parent; quick, if not immediate, results; children who want to be with us; joy and influence.
I wish someone had sat my butt down and made me read Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting. His approach jibes well with the philosophy of P.E.T. and I've been recommending it left and right!
So where might play fit in the Behavior Window? Turns out -- all over the place.
Harrison, as you turn another year older, I wanted to tell you about my reframe.
Instead of being my sorriest victim, I like to imagine you now as the perfect witness to my change. I hope you can draw strength from my journey as you face your own inevitable, painful challenges (some of which, yes, are based in childhood experiences).
I just thought maybe it’s high time I put all the Behavior Window terms in one post, with some illustrations from our family’s recent past.
Here they are from the top down -- forget about alphabetical order, we are trying to imprint this precious roadmap onto our brains!!
On New Year's Eve at dinner, I shared that my resolution is to keep investigating what's going on when I feel uncomfortable in my skin as a parent.
Maybe you thought because I'm a Parent Effectiveness Training instructor, I'd be past that stage?
Oh, no, no, no.
With my eldest now 16, I'm at the point where I can say that I'm dealing with stuff that's big by anyone's standards: drinking & curfew; faith v. organized religion; choosing a college; whether to take the SAT again; and sex, sexting & romance.
Just a few days ago, I dropped my P.E.T. roadmap (aka the Behavior Window) and ventured into the land of Roadblocks. Even though the trip lasted just a few minutes, it's never fun losing your way like that.
The Behavior Window is the handy visual that Dr. Thomas Gordon created to help parents get to where we want to go.
What that means, I recently explained to a good friend, is that we wait until there is no high emotion and then reach back to a painful incident and explore it. Many people, I acknowledged, would protest: "Why would I ever ruin a perfectly good day and do something like that?!"
When I gently raised the topic of language I realized I was jumping the gun. "Mom, I don't need that right now. I need to be Active Listened. You're supposed to do that stuff later. I'm still very upset."
I didn't mind the correction at all. Not. At. All.
