Homework can bring us to our knees — “Just, will you JUST, finish it ALREADY!?” It’s hard to like ourselves as we scream, judge, blame and compare when we’ve flipped our lid. And, once we’re calm, it’s difficult to let go of the guilt. It’s crazy making stuff that we want to be SO DONE with.
Over the years, a number of parents have been concerned about their child’s hesitance to assert themselves. I wrote the tale below in 2014 with that (and a very special girl) in mind. I like to imagine living in a kingdom where our leader models assertive Confrontive I-Messages! Here’s how one such person came to be so wise.
Without a secure bond with a trusted, stable adult, kids are more prone to social media addiction. The nature of Internet communication leads to a digital intimacy that falls short of authentic, vulnerable relationships so they keep grasping for more approval and acceptance.
It's so easy to feel aggressive when we impute bad intentions to our kids -- e.g. He's deliberately NOT writing the invites to get a rise out of me. If we pause to contemplate the spins we put on kids' behaviors, we just might choose not to believe them.
He grinned down. I grinned up. Then, shaking my head in wonder, I went to my journal to record this remarkable conversation.
"Remarkable" because the old Catherine would not have known what to do. I probably would have peppered him with questions, "What's wrong? Well, have you tried approaching him again? Did you ask him why you you got that score? Have you gone over the rubric - maybe you missed something?"
He grinned down. I grinned up. Then, shaking my head in wonder, I went to my journal to record this remarkable conversation.
"Remarkable" because the old Catherine would not have known what to do. I probably would have peppered him with questions, "What's wrong? Well, have you tried approaching him again? Did you ask him why you you got that score? Have you gone over the rubric - maybe you missed something?"
Showing partiality in a face-off between two children who despise each other at that moment is never a good thing. But I did it. And in such a subtle, indirect way that both stung and stunned.
Sigh. P.E.T. instructor notwithstanding, I am a complicated human being first.
In this latest addition to my Consciously Unskilled Series, I will walk you through my mess-up, what I did to undo what I'd done, and how I've grown. We are truly in this together.
As my husband talked about the strained relationship he had with Jake, I started itching to share something. Asking with my eyes and receiving his permission, I told everyone how we had received a letter from Jake last month in which he called his father his “best friend.”
From the state of affairs just a few years ago to "best friend!!!!!"
Something comes into focus as we consider the groupings on the poster we have drawn up:
It is primarily the many factors within ourselves -- TOTALLY INDEPENDENT of the child's behavior -- that affect our receptiveness to it.
Whoa.
This is a huge reckoning for the many of us who have been in the habit of blaming our children for our response to them: "You are making me so mad!"
But it is also most freeing because of what it implies . . .
I love, love, love my job! I am invited for a while to have a front row seat at people's transformation.
With this participant's blessings -- I'll call her Flo -- I hereby share her story. Mind you, this happened a mere four sessions into the course!
Harrison, as you turn another year older, I wanted to tell you about my reframe.
Instead of being my sorriest victim, I like to imagine you now as the perfect witness to my change. I hope you can draw strength from my journey as you face your own inevitable, painful challenges (some of which, yes, are based in childhood experiences).
I used to go to sleep feeling remorseful 70% of the time. I remember telling my husband this when our oldest was still an only child. "Lose the guilt!" he said in shock.
Hah, easier said than done. To the reader who requested this topic, this one's for you AND for so many of us.
It's imbalance of another type -- emotional and relational -- that I have always found harder to endure. An argument with a friend or a touchy issue with my child would demand a hefty portion of my attention.
Even if we get the change we want, we have sent messages about our child and the relationship:
You won't do the right thing unless I threaten you.
I gave you an inch and, like always, you took a mile.
You don't respect me.
We can do confrontation better, says Dr. Gordon.
Your son reminds me of my "easy one," the one who would go along with my strong opinions because I ALWAYS knew best.
Well, when he was 13, I took a parenting class. And I didn't even take the class because of him; it was the clashes with his younger brother that brought me to my knees.
But now, after several years of living and breathing P.E.T. skills as though my life depended on them (my identity as a mother and our family life were at stake), I notice there is still so much undoing to be done with the son who obeyed quietly.
Because giving in is NOT a good thing.
You CAN help your child feel HEARD even when he hasn't SAID anything. So keep on guessing and feeling your way through what might feel like a painfully awkward one way conversation. The benefits for the child and your relationship are worth it.
"Who do you love more – me or the baby?" This is a doozy, right? If you say, "Neither -- I love you both the same!" will that do the trick? Probably not. Put yourself in his shoes for a short sec.
He went on, "The point is, Mom, Jake always complains and makes everyone's life hard and Dad doesn't like it so he goes out and gets him a new one just to make it stop. Whereas, if I just keep quiet and act 'good,' then it pretty much sucks."
When I gently raised the topic of language I realized I was jumping the gun. "Mom, I don't need that right now. I need to be Active Listened. You're supposed to do that stuff later. I'm still very upset."
I didn't mind the correction at all. Not. At. All.
