Homework can bring us to our knees — “Just, will you JUST, finish it ALREADY!?” It’s hard to like ourselves as we scream, judge, blame and compare when we’ve flipped our lid. And, once we’re calm, it’s difficult to let go of the guilt. It’s crazy making stuff that we want to be SO DONE with.
Over the years, a number of parents have been concerned about their child’s hesitance to assert themselves. I wrote the tale below in 2014 with that (and a very special girl) in mind. I like to imagine living in a kingdom where our leader models assertive Confrontive I-Messages! Here’s how one such person came to be so wise.
Without a secure bond with a trusted, stable adult, kids are more prone to social media addiction. The nature of Internet communication leads to a digital intimacy that falls short of authentic, vulnerable relationships so they keep grasping for more approval and acceptance.
It's so easy to feel aggressive when we impute bad intentions to our kids -- e.g. He's deliberately NOT writing the invites to get a rise out of me. If we pause to contemplate the spins we put on kids' behaviors, we just might choose not to believe them.
He grinned down. I grinned up. Then, shaking my head in wonder, I went to my journal to record this remarkable conversation.
"Remarkable" because the old Catherine would not have known what to do. I probably would have peppered him with questions, "What's wrong? Well, have you tried approaching him again? Did you ask him why you you got that score? Have you gone over the rubric - maybe you missed something?"
Harrison, as you turn another year older, I wanted to tell you about my reframe.
Instead of being my sorriest victim, I like to imagine you now as the perfect witness to my change. I hope you can draw strength from my journey as you face your own inevitable, painful challenges (some of which, yes, are based in childhood experiences).
"I so love your blog. As a P.E.T. instructor in South Africa I can so relate . . . Once again you were my inner voice today with your 'she makes it look so easy.' Even though I often experience a lot of ‘failures’ in my personal relationships, I am not where I used to be. Thank you for your Vitamins, I take them repeatedly every week. Think of it as ‘taking care of the caregiver.' "
Do you have the perspective you want on parenting?
Are you full of gratitude? Joy? Confidence? Contentment? Optimism?
If you feel you have no control -- over your anger towards your kids, over your reactions and judgments, over them listening to you -- please know that you are not alone in your burnt out and despairing state! Parenting is supremely difficult and, yet, we are not offered support as a matter of course. By luck, sheer luck, I stumbled upon a class.
I don't think anyone noticed my barely audible intake of breath. I was momentarily dumbstruck but for the best reason: I was stunned by the fact of my own transformation.
I'm still a work in progress but, OMG, I used to be pretty far down on one end of the passive-assertive-aggressive spectrum.
Something was wanting my attention.
I paused with my forehead on the doorjamb of the master bathroom. I knew I needed to reflect on this something. But, tiredly, I thought, I don't have time for this. I can't believe I have to do this. Do I have to? Really?
Yet I knew from experience that it was the only way out.
I used to go to sleep feeling remorseful 70% of the time. I remember telling my husband this when our oldest was still an only child. "Lose the guilt!" he said in shock.
Hah, easier said than done. To the reader who requested this topic, this one's for you AND for so many of us.
It's imbalance of another type -- emotional and relational -- that I have always found harder to endure. An argument with a friend or a touchy issue with my child would demand a hefty portion of my attention.
This is a huge boon, right? I wish I had had these skills way back.
Over dinner recently with friends, I was reliving how stressful it was when my eldest was diagnosed with moderate to severe asthma and allergies at the age of three. That began a series of arguments between my husband and me.
Over what? My mother in law.
Last week, when my 14 year old Jake interrupted me in the kitchen with, “Just have a look at what this person messaged me on Facebook," I let slip a golden opportunity to help him grow.
Why? Because I panicked.
Someone -- apparently she had ten friends in common with Jake -- had contacted him saying, after seeing photos, she wanted to book him for some modeling.
The Gordon Training International official P.E.T. Facebook page recently shared a humorous video of why some parents don't seem to get anything done. I can refer to it as funny because I am far removed now but I remember feeling exasperated and burnt out A LOT back in the day. I did a fair amount of "No!"-ing, desperate to finish the housework so when the baby napped I could have some precious me time.
I just thought maybe it’s high time I put all the Behavior Window terms in one post, with some illustrations from our family’s recent past.
Here they are from the top down -- forget about alphabetical order, we are trying to imprint this precious roadmap onto our brains!!
As parents, it may be hard to shift to this place where we give it our best shot and then it's out of our hands. We feel locked in battle and "losing" is hard to swallow.
But let's zoom out and focus on this comforting fact: by refusing to use power, we are winning a truly important war, a war for a lasting positive relationship with our children.
Even if we get the change we want, we have sent messages about our child and the relationship:
You won't do the right thing unless I threaten you.
I gave you an inch and, like always, you took a mile.
You don't respect me.
We can do confrontation better, says Dr. Gordon.
Your son reminds me of my "easy one," the one who would go along with my strong opinions because I ALWAYS knew best.
Well, when he was 13, I took a parenting class. And I didn't even take the class because of him; it was the clashes with his younger brother that brought me to my knees.
But now, after several years of living and breathing P.E.T. skills as though my life depended on them (my identity as a mother and our family life were at stake), I notice there is still so much undoing to be done with the son who obeyed quietly.
Because giving in is NOT a good thing.
My children, my husband and I could have used P.E.T. when we had the teeny issues. Instead, I waited nine years and allowed them to burgeon into intense and overwhelming problems before reaching out for help.
You can choose another story arc for your family.
On New Year's Eve at dinner, I shared that my resolution is to keep investigating what's going on when I feel uncomfortable in my skin as a parent.
Maybe you thought because I'm a Parent Effectiveness Training instructor, I'd be past that stage?
Oh, no, no, no.
"Claudia, come here! Stand right here! You need to go up the trunk first all the way up to the top!" I couldn't keep myself from whining.
"Ok." She slid over and did as told. When she hit resistance on the first bough, though, she gave up,"I don't want to do it anymore. You do it."
And she walked away.
Sometimes, as a parent practices the new skills of P.E.T., the spouse looks on and comments, "That's just caving in!" Even the parent herself can feel shaky -- it does seem like their "spoiled brat" is winning.
By explaining why this might be, I hope to address both sets of doubts and offer some comfort along along the way. No one enjoys feeling like, or being called, a pushover.
You CAN help your child feel HEARD even when he hasn't SAID anything. So keep on guessing and feeling your way through what might feel like a painfully awkward one way conversation. The benefits for the child and your relationship are worth it.
It took a while to get used to this new feeling of lightness. Upon waking, I would check in with myself: Wait, shouldn't I be worried about something?
With increasing frequency, the glorious, shocking answer would come back: No.
