facilitation

Fights (Part 1/2) - My Kids Are In the Middle of One!

Fights (Part 1/2) -  My Kids Are In the Middle of One!

A parent recently wrote: I'm having trouble with hitting. Do you have a P.E.T.-approved way to stop physical violence between brothers?

This is tough! 

In this post, we'll do a skills walkthrough on how to help -- let's call them -- Sean and Jack; in the next, we'll work on prevention.

Letting Go of the Story

Letting Go of the Story

"One way under the anger and blame you are both feeling is to ask yourself: If I had to let go of the story of how the other person is wrong, what would I have to feel?"

I Took Sides -- C.U.E. #10

I Took Sides -- C.U.E. #10

Showing partiality in a face-off between two children who despise each other at that moment is never a good thing. But I did it. And in such a subtle, indirect way that both stung and stunned.

Sigh. P.E.T. instructor notwithstanding, I am a complicated human being first. 

In this latest addition to my Consciously Unskilled Series, I will walk you through my mess-up, what I did to undo what I'd done, and how I've grown. We are truly in this together.

Can ignoring my child help?

Can ignoring my child help?

By zooming in on behavior, we often feel in an uncomfortable bindGee, I don't want to encourage this! If I give her attention or Active Listen her, isn't that rewarding unacceptable behavior? I need to teach her that that is NOT a good way to act.

Dr. Gordon points out that, in raising children, we often rely too much on unacceptance of behavior. We think the optimal way to guide is to send the message that their behavior -- here, the crying and screaming that many might deem "too sensitive" or "clingy" or "wimpy" or "babyish" or "crybaby" -- needs to change.

He advocates a vastly different approach:

My perfect witness

My perfect witness

Harrison, as you turn another year older, I wanted to tell you about my reframe. 

Instead of being my sorriest victim, I like to imagine you now as the perfect witness to my change. I hope you can draw strength from my journey as you face your own inevitable, painful challenges (some of which, yes, are based in childhood experiences).

Car Conflict

Car Conflict

I once randomly pulled off the highway just to make the fighting stop!!! In retrospect, you could say my desperate act in Whereever-the-Heck, Hong Kong was actually a safe move. Children are, after all, recognized to be a major distraction to drivers. 

I don't resort to such dramatic lengths anymore. Now, more often than not, my car is a moving No Problem bubble.